My parenting report card (C-P 03/31/11)

Have you ever wondered what’s going on with your children, below the surface? On the outside they appear happy and stable, but what’s going on underneath that cool exterior?
This past weekend, I experienced just one of those rare opportunities for insight into the depths of my ten year old.
It all started as my family was preparing for our massive yard sale. I’m not sure where it came from, but one of my journals from when I was in college appeared out of nowhere. (We discovered lots of things that had been stored in closets that we had long forgotten about.) Now we all know that diaries and journals are highly confidential. You should never ever ever read another person’s private thoughts, right? :)
Sometime late Saturday afternoon, Zoë came down and plopped in the chair next to me. She had a small book with a pink, floral cover in her hand that looked vaguely familiar. She wisely asked first and said, “Mom, can I read this?”
“What is it?” I responded.
“It’s your diary!” she exasperated.
“Are you telling me that you’ve not read any of the pages in that book already?” I smiled.
“Uh… well…. I may have read a page or two,” she said.
“Let me look at it first to see what’s in it before I agree,” I compromised with her.
In the end, it was ok. It was a journal I had written when CJ and I were engaged. It was filled with endless details of our wedding planning and other lovey-dovey mush that only someone could write before their wedding.
“Sure.” I said. “You can read it.”
I’m not sure what happened to that journal from that point, but the next day, Zoë came and got in bed with me before the alarm ever went off. She had a spiral notebook in her hand which she quickly told me was a journal that her teacher had asked each student in her class to write in each day at school.
Zoë said, “I figured since you let me read your journal, it’s only fair for me to let you read mine.”
“Ok. I’ll get to it a little later.” I said because I didn’t want her to know what a big deal it is for a parent to actually be given permission to read their child’s innermost thoughts. 

Of course as soon as I had some alone time, I sat down with a cup of coffee to study my baby girl’s written words.
It started at the beginning of the school year. It was easy to see that her teacher gave them an open-ended statement to finish each day that would provide a topic on which to write. It began with: “My goals for this school year are…”
Other topics included: the happiest moment in my life, something I would change about my life if I could, what I want to be when I grow up and the most important things in my life.
My favorite entry is from last September when she wrote about, “If I could be like…” and she said she wanted most to be like her mother. Well, you know that made me tear up. She wrote in her journal, “I wanna be like my mamma because she made all A’s in high school (not sure what makes her think that), she has a good job and she’s got a good daughter which is me!”

Her journal was full of things a normal kid would talk about - enjoying friends, playing sports, eating chocolate and more.
Honestly, though, I was most anxious to see if anything changed in her writing from after CJ and I told her we would be moving our family to the other side of the globe. I was worried that there may be some pent-up frustration there, or some bad feelings about the process.
I quickly jumped ahead in the journal to late October, around the time we had our big family meeting, but to my relief there was nothing there. All her writing continued to be about normal things - well, normal for a ten year old.
Quite on the contrary, I was excited to read about ideas she is having about different types of ministry she hopes to do, herself, in Southeast Asia. 
I’ve said it many times, parenting is the most difficult job. You always wonder if you’re doing the right thing and making the right decisions in rearing your child. You love them and discipline them and try to raise them in such a way that they will have happy and successful lives.
I have no idea the way my children’s lives will turn out. All I can do is pray for them and try my best to follow what I feel is God’s directions in parenting them.
It’s not easy, but it is so unbelievably rewarding.
Zoë’s journal kinda felt like my report card on parenting. And while, I might not be making the “All A’s” that my child is giving me credit for, it’s nice to know that I’m not flunking out either.
Now, I just have to make sure my children don’t find any of my other old journals… :)


published in the Columbian-Progress 03/31/11