Get ready to die

What is your most embarrassing moment?

We all have them – those experiences that cause us to humiliate ourselves in front of others.

I always think back to one of my very first jobs working at an advertising agency in New Orleans when I fell over in my chair in front of the president of the company (wearing a skirt, no less.)

It’s inevitable. Everyone, at some point in his or her life, is completely humbled.

“Humbled” is also how I frequently feel throughout this process of moving to another country, learning the language and becoming settled in its culture.

When CJ and I and our girls left the States, we were on top of our game. We both had great jobs that we dearly loved. We had a home that was warm and full and brought us much joy. We had family and friends, and, overall, life was good. On top of that we got to do all kinds of ministry, and we both felt that we had strong, active and thriving relationships with J.C. So when it was undeniable that Father was calling us to serve Him on foreign soil, we knew we had to go.

Jump ahead to the current time and we are now living and working to do what He wants of us in Southeast Asia. But we have been completely humbled.

It’s like being a baby all over again. We can’t speak the language, we are dependent on others around us to help us and it’s a huge struggle. The jobs where we found much of our identity are gone, our family is left behind and the ease with which life flowed before has now transitioned into something more like climbing up a steep mountain without a rope.

It’s hard and sometimes it hurts.

In spite of all this, lately, I’ve been having some amazing devotional times. I’ve really been feeling Father speak to me in those quiet moments we spend together in the mornings, and I know He is working in my life.

I was explaining all this to a good friend recently saying I knew He was humbling me for a reason, I just wasn’t sure yet how or why. I was still waiting to receive that divine understanding…

This past week we attended some meetings for company personnel working throughout this area. It was a great time of refreshment and renewal and a much needed break from the stresses of our jobs. It was also at these meetings when I felt the Master speaking to me through the words of our company president.

He was talking about “dying to self” as found in a passage in the book of John, chapter 12 verse 24 which says: I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.

This great orator painted a picture with his words of a seed of wheat. As it germinates from seed to stalk, it stretches upward toward the sky growing higher and higher everyday. It basks in the light of warmth of the sun, til one day when it reaches maturity the stalk is cut down. The grain (if it had mind of its own) would surely be thinking, “No! Don’t cut me down! I love standing tall above the rest of the world, swaying in the breeze and savoring the light.” But that’s not what it is meant for. That grain has a different purpose.

The speaker said, “The Father does not intend for us to just grow to spiritual maturity. Sometimes we have to be broken to provide food for others.” Just like that grain of wheat that is cut down so that it may produce many other seeds, so must we.

Wow.

Tears started spilling down my cheeks at that moment. I knew this message was for me.

See, I think all this time, whenever I read this passage in John before, I felt like I had already died to self. I had given up everything in my life that was comfortable and satisfying. I gave up my own selfish desires of wanting what I want. I was doing what Father wanted, right?

So why is He continuing to break me and humble me completely?

It’s because He wants to use me.

At that moment I felt both sorrowful for my own ignorance and exhilarated to know that I get to be a part of His work.

He’s breaking me so that I can become less of me and more of Him.

He’s breaking me so that He can use me.

He’s breaking me so that He can work in the lives of the people of Southeast Asia.

Dying to self is painful. But what other choice do we have?

Withering up? No thanks. I think I’d rather fulfill my life’s purpose.

As I was listening to this message, I couldn’t help thinking, “I wish my friends and family at home could hear this message. It’s so powerful. It might change their life just like it’s changed mine.”

That’s when I heard the Father say, “They can hear this message. You must share it with them.”

I think Father may be calling some of you to be cut down. Aren’t you tired of just swaying in the breeze? Don’t you want to be useful for His kingdom’s growth even if it means being dying to self?

My pr’yer is that you do.

Seek ye first His kingdom, and He will do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine.